Hi my name is Allie and I am 23 years old. I first started feeling depressed at age 13. I would scratch myself to punish myself for being depressed because I felt selfish.
I had a good family, good friends and a good life. How could I be depressed? This continued on and off until I was 17 when I got my first boyfriend. Everything was good until he broke up with me after a few months. I started cutting and was constantly thinking about suicide. I stopped eating and that was my first bout of anorexia. I went to the doctor and got diagnosed with depression, put on medication and referred to therapy. Things were still getting worse and I went back to the doctor and got diagnosed with bipolar. I was put on mood stabilisers. By this time I had my second boyfriend. The mood stabilisers increased my appetite and my eating disorder seemed to disappear. In early 2011 one of my first cousins committed suicide. He was 23 at the time. That sent me spiralling. I voluntarily admitted myself into a private psychiatric ward in mid 2011. I got too comfortable in the hospital environment and was scared to go home after 5 weeks there. When I was sent home I was referred to a really good psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with adult ADD and put on medication for that. It helped me so much to focus and concentrate on things but it also reduced my appetite. My anorexia came back and this time lasted 2 years. I was taken off that medication due to a horrible rash on my skin.
I was eventually diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Everything about it described me. I was happy to finally have a name and a reason for the chaos inside and around me.
I eventually broke up with my second boyfriend because we were constantly yelling at each other and arguing. I'm still with my third boyfriend today. We've been together for just over 3 years. I experienced a lot of bullying because people didn't want us together as it was soon after my second boyfriend and I broke up. I was bullied constantly in high school too. The bullying led to a lot of pent up anger. And by the time I was 18 I was a very angry person. Never violent but I would threaten it. I was much more likely to hurt myself than anybody else. I was cutting from 17 - 21 years old. Once I got so angry over a minor fight with family that I intentionally kicked a wall. It broke my big toe but I didn't notice the pain because I was so angry. I have been on about 40 different medications; antidepressants, mood stabilisers, ADD medications, antipsychotics, sleeping pills, etc. But I have finally found the right combination after 3 years. I have completed 4 years worth of DBT and it has helped me so much. I have recovered from anorexia and no longer meet the criteria for BPD.
I am not so angry anymore. Just remember, always have hope. Recovery is possible.
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