It was when I was about 25 that I finally went to my GP because of my depression.
I had been feeling really sad and down for some time, and I was barely sleeping anymore. I had no energy, and I wasn’t even playing my guitar, which I loved and used to do all the time. My GP said it sounded like I had depression, and referred me to a psychologist.
When I started seeing the psychologist, we explored some of the reasons for me feeling this way, and discovered that a lot of it was to do with some problems I had been having at work. I was so angry with the people who I worked closely with in my workplace. I was in charge of a small team, and I thought that they were all just so incompetent. Even though I would give them such specific instructions, they could never follow them properly. I gave them detailed schedules and lists of things they needed to do and how to do them, but it would never get done the way I wanted. So I began refusing to delegate any tasks to the rest of my team and doing everything myself. I didn’t want their substandard work being blamed on me by my boss.
I began working back really late every night and working all weekend to try and finish everything myself that should have really been done by the whole team. It was taking me a really long time to get everything finished to a good enough standard. I knew that the work was a reflection of my ability to my boss, and I really wanted to go far in the company. I wouldn’t show anyone any of my work until I was completely happy with the standard. It was around this time that my girlfriend broke up with me. She said I cared more about work than I did about her. My team at work were also complaining about me. This only made me even angrier. I couldn’t understand how could my boss could take their side when they were so incompetent and I was the only one doing all the work. I ended up losing my job as team leader. My boss said that although the work I did finish was fantastic, not enough was getting done, and that my team was unhappy with me.
My psychologist diagnosed me with Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder. We started working together on better ways to relate to others. She helped me see things from other people’s perspective, and see how my actions were making other people in my life feel. Treatment was really hard to begin with. I felt like she was criticising me sometimes, and then I would get angry and tell her that she was doing a bad job and not helping me at all. But I stuck to treatment and I have made some real improvements. I am no longer feeling depressed and I have recently started a new job. I would encourage any one like me to take a step back and look at their life. Going to my GP and asking for help was the hardest thing to do, but with the work I've done with my therapist I'm feeling a lot more connected with my friends and I'm learning to understand how to live with weaknesses in myself as well as others. I hope others can learn more about themselves by having courage to take the first step.
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